ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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