god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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