Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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