i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
