This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
