You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
