i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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