Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
