Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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