Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
