come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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