Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
