just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Randomize
