I'm eating all of the evidence.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Randomize
