Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Randomize
