Screwed.edu
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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