im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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