And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
