i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
