turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
