i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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