You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
