im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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