we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
