I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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