I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
