I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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