Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize