he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
