mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
