if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I AM VODKA MAN
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
