Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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