Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
