we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
