Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
