..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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