He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
