Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
