She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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