proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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