I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
