Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
