Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
