just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
