Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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