I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
