guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
