She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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