The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
