So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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