im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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