His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
soo... how was my night?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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