apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Randomize
