i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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