The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
