so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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