i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Randomize
