She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize