Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
