Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
