a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
