Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize