Buhtt sex?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
i've created a new STD.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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