i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
